Some people ask “How did you go from Undercover Prostitute to Empowerment Speaker & Trainer for Leaders?”
I held a gun in my right hand for ten years. I walked the streets as an undercover prostitute on the hunt for a serial killer. Nights on patrol I would run down dark alleys chasing after Crips and Bloods. Many days working twelve hours straight of 911 call after 911 call. I pulled my gun out of my holster every single shift.
I had one assignment that was really fun. Riding a mountain bike in suburban neighborhoods sneaking up on what we call 10851’s, stolen vehicles. One sunny day, I was on my BMX bike heading downhill on Candy Rose Way. Picking up speed all of a sudden, BOOM! I had hit a pothole and was flying over the top of my handlebars. BAM! I hit the ground and rolled till I came to a hard halt flat on my back. Looking over at my right arm I will never forget the sight. My fingers were bending back toward my elbow. After seven hours of surgery, I came to and looked at my hand. A contraption called an external fixator with six rods through it contained my gun hand. I had no choice but to move back in with my parents to recuperate and heal.
The things you take for granted... I truly came to appreciate the use of my hand and what I had been able to do before the incident. Feeding myself, brushing my teeth, writing, dressing myself, doing my hair, managing TOILET PAPER!
As a police officer, daily crazy had been my norm. I felt alive on the street. Stir craziness was my new life as I lay confined to my bedroom. All I could think about was that day after day, I had survived being shot at and this had taken me out of the game! Being on constant alert for a decade had taken its toll. Here, in this house that I had grown up in and being cared for by my parents, I started tuning into how deeply exhausted I had become. This injury could have crushed my spirit, but instead
I found my grit.
Later on, my friend’s seven-year-old daughter was kidnapped and killed. This was once again a test that would show me what I was made of. Fear had plagued the neighborhood and my family. It was a parent’s worst nightmare. Digging deeper for that grit, I led citizens to volunteer in searches to be active in their community and to take back their power. I had a great show of will on the outside and did great in my work, yet on the inside I was losing more and more of my personal strength every day.
After a while I started to live undercover in my own life long after I was off the street. Everything looked great on the outside. Perfect family. Beautiful house with a pool. Great Scripps Ranch neighborhood. It was the perfect cover.
Yet on the inside I had so many questions: My boyfriend got his ex-wife pregnant while with me, I was so confused, my inner doubts became a layer of protection keeping me from really being seen or asking for help. Finding forgiveness and losing common sense. Why did I feel so overwhelmed? Would I let confusion stop me? How could I use my gifts to find work that would sustain me? There’s a difference between being visible and really being seen. I was literally hiding in plain sight.
I noticed I was starting to hesitate, second guessing myself. Would I be able to protect my daughters from being kidnapped and killed like my friend’s daughter? In police work, if you hesitate, you die. In life, if you hesitate, you would also die but just a slower death. I started shedding layers. I got rid of my narcissistic boyfriend. I removed tension from my body, toxic people and traumatic thinking. With every layer I removed, I found a little more of me.
Eventually after I shed all the layers,
I discovered my true power.
I broke out of the mold of being undercover. I found out that staying undercover was just covering up my fear of being seen.
You might have heard the saying,“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” So Instead of shining the light outside, I started shining the light inside and trusting myself and my innate knowing.
I have found that a lot of people I come in contact with are also looking for power outside of themselves just like I was.
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